Leader of the Pack

From the moment I left your side for the last time, Beloved, I knew my life, in that few moments, was irrevocably changed. I did not and still cannot know the depth and breath of that change.

As we go through the photos for your memorial and are prepairing to tuck you away for the last time I realized my loss is more than a friend or a lover or a man. It is the loss of a lifetime companion who was half of my soul and loved me all the ways I am.

There are a thousand million little things; loving actions, words, touches and smiles; that I will miss every day. I will be years exploring the extent of my loss.

Each thing I touch you have repaired or found or bought or loved. Each chore I do that you did last time I know you always did for me out of love. When I heard a car in the driveway and I realized I will never hear your radio blasting louder than the sound of your bike as you fly home after work I also knew I will always listen for it.

Why does this not grieve me? Why can I smile as I write this?

Because in the twenty plus years we have known each other, mate, you have done these thousand million kindnesses and loving actions to show you love me. You never just said the words, Mate, you showed me. Not a day in my life with you has ever been without some loving action, touch or word that made me smile.

Each time I wince a little as burn the trash or feed the animals, struggle to run the snow thrower or to mow the lawn without breaking the belt on the mower that you are no longer here to repair I have to acknowledge that you did this last time for me out of your love for me. To show me I was loved.

When I lay down to sleep alone the bed will only be empty feeling because you filled it so full with warmth and love for me that it was a joyful place to end our day together.

If I start my bike for a ride and then have to turn it off to cry for awhile before I leave it will be because you loved me so much that you made it not only fit me but made sure it ran safely enough for me to ride anywhere alone. I will remember your love is in each nut and bolt. I will wipe my eyes and smile because I am riding on your love still.

As I sort your earthly belongings that you used with so much joy and I touch each thing one more time I will try to remember you used them to show your love for me and others. You no longer need them and I will try to smile because you enjoyed them so well. And you always said you loved my smile.....

I will try to smile, buddy, each time I begin to hurt, to please you. But if I cry a little in self pity because you are no longer here to spoil me with the depth and warmth of your love, forgive me, buddy. I don't mean to forget and be sad when what I have done is find another way you loved me. I will try to cover each pain in my heart with the knowledge that it's just the Mate's love for me showing again.

Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of the love of a man as fine as you. It was your best gift to me. You have spent years loving me and letting me love you with all my soul. I will spend years missing you and rediscovering how many loving things you did for me.

About ten years ago we had the words "ride free" tattooed on your right arm because we both saw it in a dream. It faded slowly away. Now it is not a tattoo, buddy, but a state of being. While I will always miss you, I will not cling to you. I will keep walking the path set for me, Darling and I willingly release you to the one you are destined to follow now.

Good bye, Beloved and Honored and irreplaceable mate of my soul.

Ride Free, Mate - I love you.