It' a heartache

Monday: It seems to be getting harder, not easier, as the days go by and the reality of my mate being gone becomes more real with each move I make.

I am back at work full time, I hope, barring emotional crisis or paperwork expeditions, because the mate was not a big part of my work place. He was the icing. He was the reason I held a job.

He showed up on payday to take my check to the bank, he might stop by with a lunch treat or run me in the glasses I forgot. Some days he would ride my bike over on a nice afternoon, when the morning had been too cold to ride, then take my truck home.

But day to day I worked single mindedly at my job till near the end of the day when I would start anticipating going home to him. So I can ignore or pretend while I am here that he is not there. I don't know if it helps or is just avoidance but I seem to be functioning so I'm not going to examine it too closely.

The mate's eldest grand boy spent the weekend to help with a few chores and play with the dogs. He was a big help and a distraction. Have to keep stiff upper lip for the kids. And they have to be entertained, and fed which kept me too busy to think much.

The mate's eldest nephew was over with his girl. They had already set up a deal to buy the big red Dodge on payments before Billy died. His Dad, mate's brother, is paying it off for him and they are going to fix it all up cool. The mate would have liked that. It gets me a little cash and it gives them something to remember him by. The nephew is taking classes for motor repair and he will have a project truck. Smiles all the way around. My favorite kind of deal.

We had to jump it because it has been sitting so long but it's got a new battery and has new tires. We convoyed it up to the brother's house, visited a minute and the kids drove us home.

On Sunday I had the GWRRA Chapter R2 meeting to attend. I wanted to thank them all for the help and support they gave us. I loaded up the BigE and dropped him off at home. His mom sent over an old twin mattress for the dogs so they are up off the cement in their dog house and tonight I will rig an electric oil heater (radiator, enclosed type, electric) near it so they stay a little more warm out there. I have a heater for the water bucket but I don't know if it still works as I forgot to keep the bird bath filled during all the confusion and it went dry. I will test that and see.

The meeting went well but I felt like I took up more than my share of their time. I cried as they read my thank you and I teared up as I gave them my opinion on what the value of a committed CD is to a chapter. They badly need an ACD and I pledged that the next person to take the position would have Bill's last chapter vest to wear. I think it may help. They were all in differing levels of mourning still. He really was a true friend to almost everyone of them.

Then I meet with a couple at our old meeting place. She had been out of state for the services and I wanted to share the memorials with her. We took about 40 minutes to go through them and for me to answer all their questions. They are good friends and I am glad I took the time to share it with her.

Tuesday: There were more cards and gifts in the mail last night. I sat down and wrote the thank you's to mail today. Since everyone found out the Doc is ruling it natural causes and there will be no insurance everyone is most concerned for me. Even cousins I never see have been making the effort to contribute.

While he did slip and fall the doc said he was dead before he hit the floor. He may be correct but I was there. He fell, then went into a massive coronary. I will always believe that if he hadn't slipped he would have still been here. But his number was up and I just have to deal with it.
I so appreciate the caring family and friends taking the time to write to me. That they have no more than I do and are still sending what gifts they can touches my heart.

Instead of flowers people were asked to contribute to the family or the I.M. Hope Safe House. I have the check for them in my pocket today and it is almost exactly 10% of what we have recieved as gifts to the family. That was a little spooky in light of the commitment we made to tithe recently. People are still sending gifts to the church and the safe house.

The reason we chose I.M. Hope for our charity is that they are the only place in Ionia County that actively works with children in our area to help with their immediate emergency needs. Bill loved babies and little kids, kittens and puppies and we ended up with more pets that way.

There appears to be no orphanage in our county and other services help kids in schools or in poor families. When a mom and her kids seek refuge from abuse the safe house is where they end up. Sometimes it is in their pj's with nothing but a purse for her and perhaps a blanket and a bear for the kids. We like to make sure they have the funds they need for school clothes, books and whatever else for the kids. The chapter sent a donation, too, in his name.

Usually I only cry in the evenings around bedtime. I'm too busy to grieve during the day. Now I get up, let the animals out, fill their food and water, get dressed for work, have a cup of coffee while I get the email, make my lunch, pre-heat my own truck and head out to work. Then it's get the mail, let the animals in, check the food and water, read the mail, write the thank you's, get some dinner, check the email, play some spades on line and chat up some of the friends I am making there, close down the house and get ready for bed. Throw in a few resets for the furnace and the water heater here and there and some dishes and laundry and you have my new life.

Once I get to the bedroom I sit on the edge of the bed and grab his pillow. I thank god for every time I rolled over into wet, cold sheets because the mate had night sweats. His body heat was amazing. His pheremones are deeply embedded and the familiar scent comforts me. I don't know when I will be able to change the sheets again.

If that grosses the more delicate of you, apologies. It's my last comfort zone. I know I have to give it up sometime soon - but I won't yet and the only guy who could make me is not here to be annoying about it. It's not very satisfying but it's better than nothing. Then I lay out my clothes for morning, get a shower and call it a day. I think I am crying in my sleep a lot. I don't have night sweats.

To try to keep me happy is down the road a piece. I just lost the only man who ever truely loved me as myself. I can feel sad and blue if I want to for quite a while yet. It's ok. But I need to feel I am contributing something to the world still. I just have to find out what it is that I can do at half speed.

For starters I am tracking my ordeals so others may learn from them and not get so taken by surprise at what is needed that they are overloaded when this happens to them. And so they don't feel so strange, like they are the only lover that ever kissed a pillow, slept in a dirty shirt or used a robe for a pillow. It's only natural to seek comfort where we found it before our loss. It's empty comfort but it's what we have to work with.

I am going to have to start working with tutoring kids at night or something to feel I am accomplishing something and keep myself distracted. I used to be satisfied if when we went to bed all our needs were met and my mate was content and happy. That was the only goal I had. For us to be content. For him to be happy. I did it well for many years. I have a bad case of "Now what?"

Next lesson: Death certificates.