Teach, your children well..

Now that's not as easy as it sounds. You can't just follow them around every minute keeping them out of trouble. A, B, C's, and counting to 100 are not too hard to teach. Giving them the skills to live safely in a dangerous world is a little more tricky. How do we teach that?

I believe most of us draw upon our experiences and past to help guide our own kids through the pot holes and bushwackers of the planet. Using stories and examples we try to teach them to make judgement calls on good, bad, safe, unsafe, I can handle it and Need Adult help. Most of us have learned these things from our family and peer group.

But the future is a hard concept for people to grasp. It is even harder for kids. Next Christmas is too far away to worry about now. It will be "Forever" before it gets here again. Next Friday is about as far as they can see. Even young adults can only see to next month usually; as in next month's rent, next month's concert. The older you get the easier it is to see ahead to next year and next generation.

Kids have to be able to grasp the future to plan ahead for good grades next quarter or being ready to compete in an event so practicing today is important. Young adults have to see ahead to realize how their actions today will affect their tomorrow in two, ten, or 20 years. How to get kids to see how today affects the rest of their tomorrows.? This is a real stumper!

I got a glimpse today of how to help them learn to do this. Just a little idea based on "Will this be fun later?" It's another "ask yourself this" question. "Do I want to tell my kids this story?"

From the time you are 9 or 10 till you are in your late 20's you are creating the stories of how you dealt with being a kid and growing up. You have (had) rules you don't like that your parents set. You do certain things to fit in better at school. Your first experiences with the opposite sex and actual sex happen. What you do about drinking, smoking and drugs. How well you did in school. What you did when a pet died. How you met your mate. Driving a car the first time. Your first year in college. These are all experiences that lead to teaching stories for your kids to learn from in their lives.

However you deal with these kind of events, and others you encounter, you are creating the stories you have to tell YOUR children.

So now, pretend you are grown up and your kid wants to do something you feel they shouldn't yet. You are the parent.... "Do I want to tell my kids this story?"

Do you want to say, "I really wanted to fit in with the cool kids, too. I started having sex with Boy Coolest. Then I was invited to all the cool kids houses and parties and I had a group to hang out with in school. When I got pregnant he dropped me and none of them ever talked to me again. So, no, you are not going to Fred's if his folks are not home."

"When my parents told me I couldn't go to the Insert Band Here Concert I got mad and ran away. I went to New York, where the band was based, so I could meet them. While I was there I was (mugged, drugged, forced into theft or prostitution) till I could get away from those people. Then I hitchhiked to California where it was warm all year and panhandled on street corners till I got a job working in a recycling center by lying about my age. So, yes, you can go to the concert with Jill and Don....AND ME! I will be going with you."

Maybe the story you want to tell is about finding your perfect mate. "This pretty girl got drunk on 17 tequilia's one night then danced or made out with every guy in the bar. She said I was the best kisser and we got married 2 days later." or for a really romantic story, "I went to a party at college and everyone got high on E. Your mom came to me two months later and said she was pregnant so we got married. So stay off drugs and stay away from frat parties."

How about, " When I first learned to drive I liked to drive really fast. Partly because I was always late I felt I had to be a fast driver. One day I came around a curve and smashed into a little old lady pulling out of her driveway and killed her. No, you can not take the car until you are 17 and have had no tickets or accidents."

Here is a great one..."I was at a party where I didn't even know anyone. People were just telling everyone where there was a party. When I got there everyone was stoned and this one biker started chasing his chick around the house with a butcher knife screaming he would kill her. This put 2 people into bad trips and they started screaming and freakin' out. Then one girl with sugar problems drank some wine on top of some LSD and started having a diabetic sizeure in the other room. Someone called 911 and the ambulances with 3 cars of cops came. Five people went to the hospital and the bikers went to jail. The next day so did the owner of the house and some others. Because there were minors there and the girl died the owner went to prison and he wasn't even at home that night, it was his kid's party. That is why, if there are no adults home, you will not be going to Shelly's party!"

We all want to tell our kids these kind of stories - Right? I don't think so. But can you as a parent, and a former kid, justify playing the hypocrite and NOT telling your kids the places you made mistakes as a young person? Will you be able to pull off pretending to have been perfect all your life? Do you have siblings or a parent still alive? You know they will tell your kids stories about you.

If I had thought, "Will this be fun later? and Do I want to tell my kids this story?" there are times in my life I might have made my decisions a little differently. I might have done more to stop my friends from doing stupid stuff. My friends might have done things differently.

Did I want to explain to my kids the reason I would always come get them if they were too drunk to drive without punishing them? No. At a party one time my friend didn't stop some of her friends from leaving when they were too Drunk to drive. The girl that lived through the accident she and her friends caused - that killed 4 classmates and one person in the other car - still has the imprint of a steering wheel on her chest. Telling them that my friend not only never held another party but never WENT to another party till she was almost 30 is so sad. I wanted them to understand how strongly I felt that they NEVER drink and drive.

Did I want to tell them that the reason I stressed using condoms and birth control was that I had the clap at 15? Uh.......NO! Did I want to tell them if I had used protection I would not have been pregnant before I was 17? No way!

But I didn't want them to be trapped by mistakes I could help them avoid. (It also would mean eldest would not be here and I would not trade her back for all the shame of teen pregnacy and misery I had with the first husband) So I told them that story, too.

Did I want to tell them WHY I know it is absolutely required that there be an adult or someone over 21 to stay straight and sober at EVERY party? No, I copped out on that one and just told them that accidents happen and neighbors complain so someone has to be able to deal with cops and paramedics! Must have a party monitor!

There are a few stories I don't want to tell ANYONE! I'm sure you have them, too. But just maybe, if kids can pretend they are the grown ups with kids who want to sneak Dad's gun out to the garage to play with they might work through to the obvious answers themselves and leave the gun alone. You don't want to tell anyone ever that you shot your brother over who is going to shoot the gun first. Like my classmate did when they fought over it. And he loved his brother.

So when you are deciding to do something, "Is this going to be fun later?" is first and then after you decide what you are going to do, think about what might happen next and ask, "Will this be a story I want to tell my kids?"

Here is another story. A girl was taking care of horses one winter night. The water tank was frozen. It would be a lot of work to chop it out and refill it. The tank near the house was open. She decided it would be more fun to take each horse down to the open tank to drink. It would have been a lot of work to put saddles and bridles on the horses, then take them off again. She decided it would be easier to ride them bare back with just halters on than to walk and lead them or saddle and ride them...She was right, for some of the horses. They were thirsty and went right to the tank and then they were cold and went right back to the barn, no problem. Her little welsh pony was frisky that day and didn't want to mind her, didn't want to be ridden and didn't care if he got to the water right away.

With only a halter on him she had no way to really "steer" him. He tried to sweep her off by running under the laundry lines. She was going to slide off and jump back on , holding on to his mane like an indian. When she slid off her legs hit the clothes line post and broke, one above and one below the knee. She dropped to the ground and the horse ran off, got his drink and went back to the barn.

This girl was there alone at the farm, it was 40 feet to the house and 12 steps up the porch, a door to get open and when she got inside the phone was on the wall. She carried herself on her arms the whole way. Then the lady on the party line thought she was playing a prank. She finally got help. She was in a body cast for months. Why? because she was being lazy. Which is normal for most of us faced with any chore.

A little "Will this be fun later?" and "What if one of them runs off? I have to catch them alone." would have at least had her hook lead ropes on the horses. And "Do I want to tell my kids this story?" where she thinks how stupid is will sound to say, "I didn't even clip a lead to them" followed by "and there was no one else there", might have helped her convince herself to do things the safe way instead of the "fastest" way. We didn't have these two questions when I was a kid. And my sis made a dumb decision. My eldest used to ride on her shoulders while she walked around the yard like a stiff legged mummy in her cast.

Learning to make your own decisions is the biggest part of growing up. While this insight is too late for me and my grown children, I am hoping to instill it in the next gen BEFORE they start making the stories they will have to share with their children. These are not world saving questions. They may not keep kids out of all the trouble in life. Still, I might help one person get past one bad decision safely. So I had to post this thought.