We'll sing in the sunshine, We'll laugh every day

Well, maybe not in the real world. It gets hard to keep your chin up sometimes. It's a long walk back to living and loving after a smack like losing my mate, then his two friends, the good dog, the wonder cat and then smucking the truck with a deer - For a while it seemed like all I did was cry or wish I could stop crying.

My family - especially the sis, mom and the kids - kept me knowing I was loved. Work got me up everyday. The two dogs and cat got me moving on chores and I slogged through. Things got easier this spring and then I got this band to work with, promoting, not playing with.

Then I got this guitar player, song writer to cheer up and on.

Then I liked him.

Then he liked me back.

I'm bringing my real life back on line. I've been keeping it a little quiet. But it's finally not all miserable and depressing. It's complicated, confusing and a little scary - but I'm not lost and all alone. I'm back at having a direction to go and enjoying going that way.

Anyone that knows where I've been the last two and a half years will tell you I believe we live forever and that I can catch up with all those I love later. It's still hard to learn to walk alone here. I did it, I do it, but I didn't like it. If it hadn't been for the one who prayed me back to the light and the love of my family I wouldn't maybe be here.

When I started looking around and realized I was here and that the thing I missed wasn't just the mate, but a partner in my days I knew it would be hard to start over at my age. I'm not the easiest person to hang with. I was starting to get set in my ways and a little morbid and hopeless about ever being glad to get up in the morning again. I'm not the only one dealing with that, I've met and offered care to quite a few people that are in the same mess. I decided to keep doing what I love and helping where I can and see what happened next.

I started getting out again and meeting people, making music and having fun. I smiled more. I was willing to keep living and loving, but I was lonely. No one I met quite seemed to click with me. It would be close or even possible, but it didn't go beyond friends.

It was helping a person I had only met the day before by going to a benefit and making some donations that I was blessed enough to meet MoBluz. There was a sharp click the first night but he was coming out of a bad ending to a ten year relationship. There was a hard line drawn the very first night by both of us and we stayed on our own sides.

There were things I could do for him and things he could share with me. He has family, neighbors and friends in his life every day. I was alone most of the time. I knew how to get out on the net. He is email ready but not much more yet.

We teamed up. I had fun being in the group around him while we worked over the music he writes, built the website, the business cards, burned a sample CD or two and more. It was hours of work I was glad to do to help get the tunes he does out where they can be heard. It was hours of BBQ's, laughter and music for me instead of the birdsong and silence I was getting too used to.


The first thing I liked about him was his sense of humor. The second was his music. The third was his caring heart. The way his kids love and respect him made an impression on me.

He likes me, too. (wow!)

He asked me to explore the possibility of a permanent relationship with him. There's a lot of "earth" reasons it might be too hard for one or the other of us but we are both stubborn.
We are gonna take a swing at it.

We were both afraid of getting hurt or hurting another person again. Yesterday I woke up knowing there is a hurt buried and ignored in every love we have here with another person. If you spend your days wondering if you will get hurt and if you can deal with it you are spending your time afraid instead of loving.

By accepting that you are going to get hurt one way or the other or that you may hurt someone either by leaving or "dying" then you can let that fear go.

I looked at the hurts I have lived through and know that the final separation is the hardest and I made it through that - I have lived through cheating, lies, betrayals, divorces and death. If I get hurt I will get through it somehow. If I hurt him I will forgive myself somehow and he will live through it somehow.

I don't have to be afraid, I just have to be willing to try and accept what comes. I was freed of my fear yesterday. That fear of all the things that might be wrong or go wrong, that fear of pain, I let go of it. I put it behind me and decided to love, not fear.

I am going to be running with MoBluz in tandem for a shot at the long haul. I like his heart. He likes my heart. This isn't hormones and heat like kids, it's not lust for a body, it's not one of us after the other's money, we are both behind and trying to catch up - this is seeing a good man and knowing him for what he is, not what he appears to be. It's the same on his side. He likes my heart. I like it this way.

So I haven't been online much, I'm out living and loving, riding the motorcycle, having vehicles break down, get replaced or repaired, meeting new people, singing and making morning coffee for two again. I'm alive. I'm loving. I am being loved.

Be glad for me, friends.

It may blow up on me, but I'm not gonna miss a chance to love again. I just haven't been ready to put it up here. There's no rings, no promises, no paperwork and may never be. But there's caring affection, mutual interests and enough differences to keep us adjusting and interested in ways to get around them .

and besides, it's been really fun! Thanks for caring, Fred, Hugs Anvil and hello all of you I haven't been in touch with much, I love you but I'm busy right now in the "real" world.

Wish me luck and blessings, I want to see this one go. I really like him.