I'm not here to forget you

I'm here to recall, things we used to say and do.

I did get out this weekend. Rebel was passing by Saturday and stopped to say howdy. I got a wild hair, packed up and followed her home. Rustrider took a header on his Wing the day before so it was going to be a stay home weekend as he was sore and bruised up. The bike is ok and he will be. Two of the kids were gone and the third one was glued to his computer. That just left the dog they have to keep them moving and the dogs I had to be cared for. Best Girl came over and spent the night with mine on short notice, bless her heart, so I was free to roam.

The mate and I used to get down there about once a year. They would come up more often as we are the country mice and they are city mice with country yearnings. We were always glad to hang out with them.

We shot down the roads in her fancy van and had a great time talking and commenting on things we saw. There was a big hawk that must have just stooped to his prey trying to get back off the ground in one field and some fancy cars on the road caught our eye. Must have been a show because Rusty and I saw more on the way home later. Reb and I stopped for chow and so I could grab a smoke or ten, (non smoking vehicle, I forgot how rough that is for me). I bought and she tipped and we jumped back on the road.

When we got to the house everyone was into online gaming. I won't name it here but I decided to load the trial copy and play along. Here is a pet peeve for you - you spend good money on a program, load it up and the first thing it wants to do is a 5 hour download! ack! I SO hate that. It happened with one of my anti virus programs, too. I never have been able to use the furkin rip off thing. Yes, I know the world thinks dial up is an antique but it's all we have unless I want to pay for satelite hook up. Rust and Reb have a DSL and router but it was STILL a five hour download. So- NEVERmind!

They just let me take turns playing on their machines and Reb built a new character to run along with mine and keep me alive. We slayed monsters and hauled loot for hours. Next thing I know it's three a.m. and time for them to crash...LOL! Me, too. Poor Reb, she made my bed up downstairs and I reminded her I didn't have my anti clautrophobia charm with me. I slept on the couch. It was just dandy.

We rolled out the next morning to enjoy our coffee and then go out to Sunday breakfast with Reb's brother, another computer guy. He took a whack at trying to get the download going more quickly but also failed. I opted to uninstal the whole mess and give it up. A relaxed good time was had by all at our meal.

Back at the house I felt badly because Reb got a headache. Rusty had been using his magic hang me upside down machine to work on his back and was feeling better. He got the cute little electric guitar out that belongs to Rebgirl and she said I could borrow. Oh boy! I have been wanting to play with it ever since I met it. Wait till you see the photo!.

After a few hours of gaming I packed up and he and I headed for the house. We only had one chore on the list, their girl, who had stayed with me the weekend the red truck was loaned out, was missing a pair of tennies. Rust dropped me off and, after a stretch and a good bye hug, rolled right on down the road. I had messages to answer, one to the mom and one to the Best Girl to let her know I was back safe so I had the phone tied up. Silly me.

As I sat at the machine desk, setting baby back up at home, I hear a whistle outside and here comes Rusty again! I knew what it was for before he got into the house and started up the stairs to search for the shoes. We never did find them. He got back on the road and I got back to feeding animals and unpacking.

I enjoyed being out of the house for a little while. The coffee and companionship were a balm to my lonely self. I want to send a big THANK YOU to Rebel and Rusty and Reb1son for putting up with my bad habit and making space for me in their lives this weekend. Just having them to talk to made it a better weekend than the last one. I so appreciate it and will get down there on my own sometime soon.

Work was busy yesterday and the Car is still at the shop. Mom and I might be able to get it today yet. She is supposed to let me know.

After work I had to get animal food and some groceries. I stopped by the junk store but didn't find any books I wanted to read. I am re-reading EE Doc Smith's Lensman series right now. I took myself out for a cheap dinner before I shopped so I wouldn't have to cook.

I hate getting groceries. The mate always helped unload and put away. Doing it while poking through to see what treats I had bought for him was fun for both of us. I hate passing his favorites in the stores and I hate doing chores alone. So, no, I wasn't in a good mood when I got home. At least the escape artist stupid dog was in the pen this time.

I unloaded the food then took the trash out to burn. I grabbed a paper bag to but in the "burn" trash can from the stash of extra bags. The gift bag the mate used to give me "furs" this year fell out and hit the floor near my feet. I walked away from it into the pantry where he fell and burst into hysterics. He worked so hard to make that stupid joke that was supposed to be funny and it was such a nice evening, I hated to cry when I remembered it. I should smile at the least.

I have been blue for a week or so, but not real bad. It wasn't a real surprise when I once again paid my dues for having such a true love in my life. I got it back together and went to the phone. I called the mate's best friend and, OMG, he answered the phone for the first time in more than six months. I can't explain how good it was just to hear his voice.

We have been friends since high school when he was "the guy with the car" and we all rode around together. If you were hanging with one of them you had to accept the other one. He and the mate were closer than brothers. I know how hard the shock of losing his friend has hit him - the only difference between he and I in the mate's heart was that he is a him and I was a she. I was there every day with the mate. They could only get together when schedules worked out over the years but their bond was never weakened by time.

We talked for a little while and he is going to help sort out the garage and work on my bike for me sometime before the year ends. He even offered to pick up parts I may need. He was waiting on a call from his wife who was traveling so we cut it shorter than I would have liked but it was hard for him to talk to me, I know. If the mate wasn't with me he was with him. For either of us to deal with the other without the cream in the cookie was not easy for either of us.

I am so glad that he took the time to speak with me. It eased my heart in a way no other friend can do for me. I hope I eased his some, too. I don't know if he will be able to let me join them in the annual camp out at the cabin. I don't know if he will be able to ride with me behind him and his family. I am the reminder that his friend is not there. Seeing just him and not the mate and him is a bald reminder that the mate is gone for me, too.

There are still a few things I want to pass on to him and a few things it would make my life easier if he would do for me. I think it would ease us both to grieve together once and then I may have to let him go. I don't know if he can take the pain of my presence without his friend. That thought makes me very unhappy but I am not here to cause pain to my friends and if the only solution is to let them go, I will. I just need a chance to share some memories with him that no one else can do with me and I will step out of his and his families lives.

If he will go over the bike with me once I will find another mechanic to keep it right. This makes me very sad but I will not fault him or his if they choose not to hang with me. The mate was the glue that held that friendship together. We all know that.

But damn it was good to hear from him - it was NORMAL. Usually by this time in the year we would have been on four or five good rides with them and spent at least one night up there. I hate riding alone all the time and I miss seeing my friends. It's like the mate went and everyone else went with him. Feeling like that has doubled my loss.

Rusty and Reb, 2Tall and Traveler, T and J, and Jen have stuck by me. My family and the blessed nephews and neices and grands have been here for me. There are others that are still thinking of themselves as my friends but they have not been here yet. I don't know why I think they should know how hard it is for me to get out, how lacking in motivation I am right now, but they have not walked this road yet. How can they know?

Inspite of the grief catching me by the short hairs again, one wish was granted and I have touched base with my friend I miss so badly. I will enjoy him and his while I can.

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For my wine tasting pals, Moo, Kira and the others: A new invention.