here, in my deep purple dreams

A year ago, one year, 12 months, 365 days, and 215 posts ago the mate was getting my motorcycle ready for the Midnight Ride with the help of BigE, aka Grand1. It was such a gift of love to tear the beast down and get her back up in one day.

Last night at bible study I was trying to explain something about being a couple so long to the sister. Some how we got on relationships and how they change you whether you realize it or not. She pointed out that when she and her husband first started out that the proportion of her life that she had NOT known him was much larger than the time she had known him and that now those percentages were reversed. I had my mate for almost half my life, if I throw in the dating and the years we were little kids together. That means only a quarter of my life was screwed up and more than half has been good. I like the numbers!

I was explaining that I am not the me I was before the mate or during the mate and the me after the mate is really a LOT of the mate, himself. We pick up patterns of behavior, lose displeasing habits and work to learn what makes our mate desire us more in a relationship. It's just the way life goes when you are 24/7 with one person.

Adding the "music me" back into the "mate me" is reviving something I was not for many years. Living without the mate is also forcing me to salvage a part of me I had put away, the "me do" I used to be. With a partner so talented and smart I left a lot of things to him that I would have had to study and practice on to get good at. Now I am having to go back to my "less feminine" ways and change my own water filter, fix my own flat tires, get a step stool and reach down my own dishes from the high cupboards, repair my own fence, and drive me everywhere I go, even if I would rather nap or read a book or talk with someone on the drive.

The "music me" I gave up entirely to please the mate. His "bowling me" went the same path. The part of me that was a night owl learned to be able to get up before ten because the mate was an early bird. While I still don't jump for joy on rising at six in the OMG morning, I can do it. His "couch and remote" me was gone for many years. The last few, while I was not able to get out and do, it emerged from hibernation again.

We adapt. The things we choose to do to make life easy and to have a happy mate are part of the process of caring about others and less about ourselves that all true "grown ups" have to learn. It takes gentle comunication and true commitment to put your needs and desires behind you and learn to fill those of another person because you WANT to, not because you have to.

I am transmuting into an altogether different woman than I have ever been before. A lot of me is still 'tuned' to the mate, although I am slowly recongnizing these things and leaving them behind me, with him. Part of me is very glad to have the music back. Part of me hates having to work on the lawn mower again but it's recipricol side is glad to see I can still change a tire or a spark plug. I still don't do mice and I hate that but - oh, well!

When I am fully redeveloped I will still be "part the mate". His way of handling things, habits, mannerisims, sayings and such will go into the future with me. I learned them from him but they are "me" now. Our private jokes, the cues I knew so well and other things will be lost from lack of use and pass out of my daily behavior.

I would not take the "pre-mate me" back if you paid me. She was louder, rough and very capable of taking care of herself but she had given up on being able to care for others because it took so much just to make sure she had what she needed. And it hurt too much when they let her down. I'm almost tactful, sometimes, now and I know that it makes a man feel good to help his woman out. I don't have to do everything for myself and deprive a friend or partner that good feeling they get when they are appreciated. And I don't expect to get through life without being disappointed anymore. People are human. They make mistakes that hurt others.

I'm more thoughtful, more aware of others needs, more willing to help them. I am trying new things. The mate didn't dance, ergo, I didn't dance. But I danced last Saturday night. It was an old rock toe tapper, not a slow dance. I did ok. I haven't made anything in a while. I bought some gem stone beads to make earrings with last week.

I'm feeling a little better for seeing that the good part of my mate's self has become a part of my self, too. I will always have that part of him with me. It has become me. Now "the new me" will be built on the 'us' me. I can handle that. I liked who I was with the mate. I want to still like who I am without him. The trustworthy, loyal, loving and caring part of me that was smart and funny and loved being alive all was created with him. I want to be her, too.

There is a lot going on this week and I will catch you all up on the weekend and the plans I am in the middle of soon. Right now, I have to scoot.