Come Saturday Morning

Backing up a little now, Friday was the day that felt like "Ground Hog's Day" the movie for me. Saturday was a continuation. I slept in a little, but not as much as usual and got around to head for town.

Working full time makes shopping difficult as I am so rural I can either pay high markups for groceries and gas or make a trip to Almost a City to shop. And AAC is too far to hit after work if the dogs are in because it's cold outside. So it looks like Saturday will be shopping day and laundry and cleaning...eeewwwwuuuu. I used to have better things to do on the weekend and the mate kept things up during the week for us so weekends started with a nice hot cuppa coffee and bird watching together.

Now it starts with letting all the critters out, feeding them, letting them in and grabbing a cup while I dress for shopping....pretty much like a weekday. I whined about it in my head and put everyone back out after they ate then left for AAC.

Thanks to the mate's eldest thinking ahead for me when I was shopping for funeral clothes I had stocked up on dog, cat and bird food while there were lots of people around to help unload it. I was just now running low. I hadn't thought ahead enough to borrow the BigE for the day so I bought smaller than normal bags for a little more money but I could carry them myself. I got some lunch stuff and then came the hard part. Shopping for meals for just me.

I like food, don't get me wrong, but I haven't had much of an appetite lately. Pretty par for the course normal, I think. I used to buy a lot of things just for the mate. Chili and golash makings, string cheese, stuff like that. And lately nothing sounds good to me.

Just last night I had my first ice cream since the mate left. It used to be one of those things we always had and I would holler from the kitchen, "I'm having some ice cream. Want some?" and he would holler back a yes or no, then I would holler which flavor and he would pick one and I would holler which topping and with an exasperated sigh he would say none and I would laugh because "after 20 years I ought to be" able to dish the desert without detailed instruction. I just liked teasing him and I liked making it just the way he wanted it.

Of course I got all teared up, and I only had a little bit, but I enjoyed it's coolness on my sore throat. My sinuses are giving me fits and I wake up with my throat all raw from them and by bedtime it is sore again. So it felt good to chill it out.

I wandered all over the store and finally grabbed some pork chops and portabella's along with some ham for sandwiches and some swiss cheese. I can go a long way on soup and a sandwich. Now I need to restock soups. No bean and bacon, no vegetable beef, no bean, those were his soups. I fall back on the classics, tomato, chicken noodle and mushroom. And shopping is done.

I stopped to get smokes at the tobacco store where they are cheap for around here. I run to the junk store to check for new paper backs even though I am still finishing two of the three I had going last month. I can't seem to concentrate to read very long at a time. And I swing by the dollar store for dog bones and chews for the guard dogs. Then it's home to unload it all by myself over the icy walkway to the back door while the dogs whine to get in and the cats get under foot.

Normally he would have helped unload, and I would have had lots of nice treats for him to find while he helped me put the food away and it wouldn't have taken as long. And I would have gotten at least one hug or a kiss or two for thinking of him and another for getting home safely.

The contrast is what is so murderous for me. How it was, how it is now are so far apart on the spectrum that I am suffering not just from missing him but from having my routines so reordered. It's not just the loss of my mate but the doubling or better of my chores. He really spoiled me rotten this past year.

And it's so quiet at the house. I turn the tv on for the dogs because in the evening while I did auctions or websites he and the animals would watch that and they would get their pets for the day, taking turns laying next to him. I don't have anyone I can get a response I can hear to talk to and when I do speak many times I find myself whispering. I don't know why.

I have had a real burden for one of our friends that I want to help and haven't visited yet. I keep wanting to go to them and take some small momentos up but the time hasn't been right. So on Sunday I was going to go visit and again I got the feeling that it was the wrong time so I took off to see some cousins and an Uncle that were very close in my youth but have all grown and gone on with their own lives, as we have, and gotten lost in the busy lives we all live.

I used to travel any where I wanted any time and have worried that since I have had the chauffer and guide so long that I would just get lost on my own. It was good to know I can find and read a map, deal with the weather and road conditions, and locate a strange place in the very rural US reliably.

I had tried to call but the Uncle's phone was being checked for trouble, common this time of year, and the cousin who's number I had wasn't home. I just headed up to scout it out if nothing else went right I would know how to get there and the ride would get me out of the house.

I found the invisible town and the local bar with no trouble. It was a great place. Log cabin style, nice interior, retired people, little kids and families having dinner, quiet, country music on the juke box, my kind of place. Not to mention almost the dead center of nowhere so cops were no problem either. I will be scouting some more fun roads to get there on and take some family and friends up this summer.

I called the cousin and she had just gotten home. I told her she needed to come to the bar, the help was slacking off. She said "Huh?"

I told her she needed to come over anyway to see me. "Who are you?"
"Not telling."
"Give me a hint."
"We're related."
"Who IS this?"
"Mystery call, you won't ever know if you don't come over, Bye!"

That was my kind of fun, too! She took longer than I thought she would getting there but then I learn she had 3 kids at home and that explained the lag. When she did get there she stared at me but guessed it in less than 10 seconds. We got and gave big hugs and then talked about two hours or so. I hadn't realized I needed to talk to her and her crew as much as she needed to talk to me and my crew. We missed each other and comfort was given and received from the rough spot in our past.

I went to meet her kids, her mate was working, and exchanged emails and phone numbers. They had a great guard dog, Goliath the saint bernard. He was a mushy old pooch and we made friends right away.

It was dark and I was still in unfamiliar turf so I headed out pretty quickly after that. It was a great visit and I am looking forward to seeing the rest of them and dragging my sisters along with Mom and Uncle for the party. All we need to do is find a date that Hmmmm..10 families all have available...might be awhile.

I made it home safely, fed the critters and knew that at least one thing I had done was done the right way and the right time for me and for the cousin. I told the mate all about it, it bored him but he was glad I had fun. Then I lost it again. I don't even know what set me off. At four thirty I was still up and crying so I called in to burn another vacation day that I will want back in the summer. I made a pot of coffee, wrote some more, and finally got to bed.