Together again
my tears have stopped falling, is the song I want sung my the cousin's family band at my wake.
A lot of people, including the kids, have shown concern that I won't make it thru this, that I will end up following the mate; Dying of a broken heart. It has been known to happen. It would not be the first time a partner has done that, even in our family. My great gramp died and his second wife, the mate's great grama, died three months later. They were a love match.
I have not finished the mate's business yet and I would not leave that undone. It was my commitment to him. I will be fixing up the things the house needs done. I will keep us in a safe home. I will be keeping up the vehicles that I don't sell. I will continue to let the dogs in and out and the cats and getting me off to work every day. That's what the mate would expect from me, to carry on.
That I am not to the place where it is painless to get through a day can only be fixed by time. We are all still raw and tender because of the unexpectedness and the speed with which we lost him.
I am trying actively to stay on the planet. But I have also given strict instructions to everyone - no heroic measures, no resusitation if I do go. Just PLEASE, love me enough to let me go. I don't want to go to a hospital and I don't want to cost a bunch of money, I want to go quick and cheap.
So, No, I don't think I will die of a broken heart. Yes, I will be here for the kids and grands and cousins and such as long as I am allowed. But no, I was not afraid to die, even before my heart attack and I am even less afraid now.
And no, I didn't make it a day without crying yet, but it will come....
posted by Valerie - Still Riding Forward @ 6:20 PM
4 comments
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Good.
Your example has guided me more than you know.
I'll try to remedy that soon.
Much love.
I have been meaning to post on your blog for at least a week now. This is the second time I have tried; the first time, the emotion I felt prevented me from continuing. I did not know your mate and I hardly know you.
I can read so much love in your broken hearted writing. These are perhaps the most heart wrenching texts I have ever read.
It strikes directly into my heart for I cannot help but imagine how it must hurt so. I love my Kira so much; the thought of losing her leaves me trembling. I fear one day going through the same experience as you…Or for her to lose me…
It would seem then that all joy in life is gone…And that there would be only going through the motions and dealing with your duty left…
I am unsure if I am making sense but I wanted to present to you “Mes plus sincères condoléances,” as we say in France.
I weep for your loss but I admire your strength. I will try to follow your advice and enjoy every moment I have with my mate for every day that we are together.
I don't want resucitation either. Living on machines isn't living.
Being with your mate made you the person you are... a very good, and dear, and kind one.
I think he'd want you to live the best you can and just meet him later. I figure he'll be waiting no matter how long it takes.
And for myself, I hope that's a long time. ;)
Thank you Madz, I want you down here soon, before you lose what you have come talk with me. And just for fun come talk to me and bring the third of my three amigos if you can some time.
Wanderer, I follow your travels and know you and Kira are another couple with true love.
I so appreciate your kind words and love knowing that your heart also cares for me in my time of need. You appear to be a good man and Kira a good match for you.
Let me stress this - take care of arrangements for one of you to be gone now, two wills, pick resting places, ect. Having to deal with all this when I am so deeply in mourning for my mate as forced me to spend time with what I see as nit picking details instead of trying to survive.
It is not a good way to spend a week but it will be easier to do it together and have it taken care of in advance. If an accident were to happen you just call your chosen funeral director and they will handle almost all the details for you and the family.
That way too, the one left here knows what they have to work with as far as modifing the budget and getting by.
I will have to support myself the rest of my life and all he will ever provide for me is what I sell now and his social security when I retire, and that is if I live to collect it. Would you leave Kira like that?
But like everyone, the mate thought he had time to do that later - only he was wrong. Don't be wrong.
Hello Dan, you are there almost every post for me, and your encouragement to me in my depression from one who understands it help more than I can say. Thank you all for helping me.
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