When will I see you again?
In my dreams, of course. I crave dreams of my mate the way a caged panther craves freedom. Knowing that the veil is thinnest when we sleep I reach to access him there.
I also sleep for crap and don't remember my dreams well lately. but I have had the consolation of dreamed communication vivid enough that I could feel his touch twice now. I wake comforted.
Does it matter if my mind is building the dream or the dream is a real mode of contact with the mate? I don't think it matters. What matters is I feel that he is ok, that he still cares for me and ours where he is now and that he is doing his best to ease our way.
It's like he still has a job to do even no longer being here with us. He flung his invisible self down on the bed and pleased me, then crawled up and lay beside me with his arm over me as he tried to explain to me what he had been doing. It involved my eldest, surprisingly enough. It was like she was full of something bad for her, akin to food poisoning but of the spirit, and his job was to help her clear it out of her system. He had gone and fetched a doppleganger of her soul and laid it on a table in his work area and then ran me off so he could do what was needed. He had come to get me to help him bring her there. It was so strange. Then I was alone again and I woke up.
In the first dream he held me and we talked. He told me he could hear me. It's why I talk to him as I run through my days. I believe him.
So there ya go. The old lady is going slowly nuts or I see dead people, take your pick...I really don't worry about what others think right now, I just do what I need to so I can stay on the planet and function in a fashion resembling normally.
Sunday's outing with the cousins was really fun. And my eldest boy took his Grama out to dinner with his family Sunday. Tonight the nephew is coming to pick up some stuff I have for him, photos and things, the 19th is the last pay per view so the kids will be out this next Sunday, I have some paperwork to do in town a couple nights this week and the world keeps me spinning with it.
But the nights are mine and I hope they continued to be filled with dreams of him. I will take any little crumb I am thrown and treasure it.
posted by Valerie - Still Riding Forward @ 6:12 PM
5 comments
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I've wanted to say something but can't help but think no matter what I say, it will be inadequate.
My heart goes out to you.
And I thank you for being strong enough to open your heart and bare your soul to our benefit. Hope it's helping you, too.
I already read back now to figure out what happened. When I first read this post, I wondered...does she mean he's died or he is on a really long trip? I suppose both are still appropriate.
I posted my immediate response in a previous post. I'm shocked. I came over here because you had posted on my blog a couple times recently, and it was like a trigger: oh yeah! Valerie! I haven't read her blog in a while...what's going on with her? Nothing could have prepared me for this situation.
A week ago, I called Alex when he was supposed to be home and he didn't answer. It turned out he had headphones on and missed the call, but my imagination went wild. What WOULD I do if he disappeared when I've never been so loved and appreciated and adored in all my days? What would I do without the man who healed all the hurts I had...who sewed patiently my heart back together from the tiniest of pieces, finding each one no matter in what odd location so he could make it completely whole again? I couldn't face the idea of it, but after sitting up in a dark room and staring at the wall for a while, I realized that I have children. So I'd go on. Alex has two much younger siblings whom he worries about all the time. I would then of course take up his role as their only stable parent figure (why not? they both love me a lot and view me like another parent too) and make sure they turned out all right, all in his honor.
And then the phone rang, and my imagination died out only to hear his lovely voice.
I know that sometimes in your dreams you DO touch. Sometimes when the phone rings you probably DO wish somebody would call and let you know it's all a horrid joke and guess what? Here he is! BOO! I'm glad you had him and he had you.
He'll be there tomorrow for Valentine's Day. Well, I bet he's there every day, but I'll guess you'll have an even better dream. You might not remember it, but look for it! A man who can love that deeply doesn't stay far away even if he IS making the way for you and yours later on...
Take care, Valerie! I'll be thinking of you.
So glad there are so many good times to remember. I printed out your last post and The Missus read it; she was all choked up. She wanted me to pass along an internet hug.
He is okay.
I'm so sorry for your loss and want to help heal the wounds of alone.
Sand the paint off an altoid tin and cut small pieces ( buttons, cloth, etc.)of his things that you hold dear and put them in the tin. Then put the tin in your purse. Your mate will always be with you where ever you go. You won't really be alone.
You have my internet hug as well.
Thank you, friends, for all your kind words and for reading mine.
In some small way I hope to prepare other couples in love for dealing with the mess a death can bring.
You do it by taking care of the practical things first while you are both still here to face your mortality together. Get it all on paper, make the wills and file it all.
Then just love each other everyday and the one who is left just breaks out the file and hands it to the funeral director. No problems.
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