Darling, for your love, I ain't found no life saver yet

Sunday the kids came over for the pay per view. It was the last of the three christmas wrestling shows the mate and his eldest did for each other and the rest of the kids. It wasn't quite so healing as last time. It had that "last time" aura of saddness in it that I am so aware of and that the kids are just finding.

We still all managed to have a pretty good time. I had photos all sorted out for the new family historian to work with and some for all of them of their dad and grampa. One of the nephews made it over as well and he will be joining the army soon. I have been trying to think of something special for him. The Undertaker lost his match by a fluke and then they packed up the extra pizza and headed for home. The house always feels emptier when it has been full....

I got the coffee on for morning and headed for bed. Monday I told the boss I needed Wednesday off to do paperwork on probating the will. I got through that day, someone came over Monday night, oh, Mom brought my foster sis and her kid because they were out looking at deer. And I made it through Tuesday and Bible Study, the sis brought her fun sis in law and the cousin made it over. We made soft tacos and burritos. The sis brought chicken from a deli. Nice visit with everyone.

Then Wednesday I started finding sorting and filing the paper work for the estate inventory and filing for probate of the estate. I can't find out what determines the value of an estate for sure. I got the inventory done and the value estimates for the cars from the Kelly Blue Book and one for the motorcycle. When you figure the equity in the house and the value of the vehicles and guns and the VA and SS and Visa insurance with the costs of the funeral it looks like the estate has a total of less than $5000.00. If I have it wrong then I have to go through a full probate. If I am right I can do an informal probate - probably without a lawyer. The trick is finding out when all you get at the Legal Aide Center is put on hold. Every time.

Every time I started for the bank to do the insurance for the credit card someone called or the furnace quite running again. I got there just as they locked the doors. The nice ladies knew I was coming and let me in.

One more thing I learned the hard way, ladies. The insurance on a joint credit card only covers the primary customer. If your mate is the primary, as is common, they will pay off the amount due BUT they also close out the card. This means that you have no magic plastic to fly someone in for the funeral, fix a furnace, get a rental car or anything else for the 4 to 8 weeks it takes to get a new card.

And if you die first the mate still has to pay off the credit cards. Go out now and get YOUR OWN credit card with you as the primary. Use it enough to establish your credit with them well. This way you have emergency credit until the estate is settled even after they close the joint card.

So I digested the fact that I had become used to knowing I could handle up to our limit in an emergency with plastic. Then I realized I can do nothing to fix the stupid furnace or the thermostate on the water heater or anything else that might go wrong in the next two to six months until the estate is probated and I can sell the bike and trailer. Why? Because after a year of only one of us working I have no major savings at all. Barely any minor. I have to go to work or the whole party comes apart. This is not a good feeling. All I can do is pray I can hold everything together a little longer and don't have anything break all the way before then. Or that the credit card comes through with anything like the same limit in less than normal time.

After all the bad news of the day I was glad to have something more positive to look forward to. I had arranged to meet a friend of the mate's from work for a cup of coffee and to give him a little rememberance of the mate. It was just a photo and a special to him and the mate themed desktop and screen saver but they were both just right. This guy and the mate were the live comedy team where they worked and were really good friends that just ran out of time to spend together.

We got a munchie and talked about an hour. He loved the gifts and they made him laugh. He talked about the mate fixing his boat motor and how much he respected his abilities mechanically and then he said, "He was just the kind of guy that made you want to hang around with him, you know? He was fun and he made you laugh and he made you feel good about yourself, too."

I was gonna lose it. It was so true. When you respect someone's opinion and their opinion is that you are a good person, you feel like you are, maybe, even a better person than you thought you were. It's part of what he gave me everyday. An unspoken but visible approval of you just the way your are. I think it is the closest anyone as come to describing what was really special about him. He never expected anyone to be anything to suit him, he liked them the way they really were. He was real with them, he didn't pretend to be anything for anyone. If they didn't like him they would go away and that suited him fine.

And then the friend had to get back to his family and I had to get home and let the dogs out. But it helped to share a little of the pain and get his opinion on things I was trying do or decide. I think it helped that I just got out of the house for a while. And had someone to talk to that was really there. I tend to want to huddle down at the house where it's ok if I go off my rocker a little or have to cry loudly.

The nephew is supposed to get the truck one night soon to go through it. The Eldest Boy is coming down with the family one day this weekend just to visit. I think on Sunday I will try to get out and visit with a few more friends. I need to shop for dog food and some groceries for lunches, too. So I am staying busy.

But then Bosephus sings "Old Habits" and I fall to pieces. You just never know what will set you off. And you think you better stay home because you might embarrass yourself or your friends.

Then you figure you will think about it tomorrow, put the coffee on for morning, lay out your clothes for work, give the dogs a last outside and lay down in the king sized bed to try and sleep a few hours before the next day starts it all over again.