Friends, Death and You

I went off to read blogs, like I said I would. I hit Janet's and had to come back here for my reply to her post. Her friend's 28ish husband went from normal down to "call 911" very quickly yesterday. No word yet from what or why.

She winds up, very neatly, that she was mad at a friend for standing her up and at her Dad over a fight they had but that this incident put things in a different perspective for her. She counted her blessings and her friends and family. I bet she has talked to both of them today to work things out.

I have made friends with people in strange ways and places. One of the most unusual was a girl I will call Martha. I had gone to the library in a town north of us, not my regular local one, to see if they had a book I wanted. When I parked out front I saw the girl parked in front of me looking at me in her mirror. I didn't know her. No big deal, I went on my merry way.

I went into the library, checked for my book in the card file and went to hunt it up. The girl was in the same area. She glanced over as I walked up and I was STRUCK by the "I know this person" fairy. (I could shoot that fairy! happens all the time!) I could tell by the way she stared at me that it was a mutual wanding.

So, WTH! I asked her if we had met before. It was retorical, she KNEW we had and I KNEW we had, where was the problem. Over time I have come to believe it must have been in previous lives. When we finally gave up comparing towns, work places, bars, bands, and all the other places you meet people we started talking about the books we were looking for that day. I was searching for a new herbal and she was looking for medical info, they were just a few shelves apart.

That got us going on current lives. She was seeing a doc and checking on a drug he wanted her to try. I was just checking out the book to see if I should buy it for the reference shelf at home. Turns out the med was one I had taken after the fire to deal with depression. I told her my experience with it (all good) and some of the side effects I had heard about. Meanwhile we found it in a book that pretty much said the same thing I did.

Curiouser and...By now, we felt like old friends. I invited her home to chat some more and she decided to follow me there. I introduced the dogs, cats and mate to her then put the coffee on and we sat down at the kitchen table to have a really long talk. Mostly she talked, I nodded, commented and listened. It was quite a story. It's not mine to tell so let's just say she had made some poor decisions, ended up in some bad situations and was just coming out of a nasty relationship. She was very depressed and I don't blame her, it was depressing to hear about.

She lived with her Mother, for now, in the town where I worked. I was in retail so she could drop by and keep in touch when she needed to. We felt like old friends but I hadn't known Martha very long when she quit seeing her doc and found a new BF in Canada. She told me she was going with him and I wished her luck while putting my phone numbers at work and home on a sticky note for her.

About six weeks later she was back. The girl was a wreck emotionally and physically. The guy dumped her for someone else and left her with no money to get home. She got through it but it destroyed her. I tried to get her to see her doc again but she wouldn't. I reccomended the counseler I had seen after the fire but the receptionist was rude to her, she said, and she left before meeting her. She needed a job, she needed to get out of her mom's house. I offered to let her stay with us in the spare room but she wouldn't, no car, she said. I go to town every day, ride with me, use my wheels. No, she said.

We had these talks while I ran stock and the register. I couldn't devote 100% of my attention to her there but she wouldn't meet me after work, follow me home or go out for lunch. Her eyes got sadder and deeper and darker and I saw her wasting away inside but she wouldn't go for help! It was so frustrating.

I was telling our truck driver about her to see if he knew where she might find work. She had a CDL. He gave me a card and a number for her saying he didn't know they were hiring but the turnover was high there. I put it in my pocket thinking I might be able to cheer her up with it!
That was a Wednesday. I had to stop at the store after work for some supplies and didn't stop to see her because I had frozen foods and it was 20 miles home on a hot day.

Thursday was still hot and the store had no air. I was simmering in my own juices and headed right for the ranch with the itty bitty air conditioner we loved so much. I drove right by her home.

Friday was payday and I thought I would ask Martha out to dinner and then take her home after giving her the info on the job contact I had for her. I thought about it all day while I worked. When I went to pull into her Mom's place there were about 6 cars more than the normal 4 or 5 parked all over the place. I found a spot to squeeze mine into, brushed my hair and went up to knock on the door. A girl about 12 that I didn't know opened it and looked at me quizzically.

"Is Martha here? I'm her friend, Val" I said by way of introduction. The girl's jaw dropped and she said not a word. Martha's Mom came up behind her and recognized me. "Hello, Valerie, come in."

"It looks like you have a lot of company, I just need to speak to Martha for a moment."

"Martha killed herself, this is her funeral dinner. She was cremated", she told me. Her voice was so 'everyday toned", like I had asked the time...

The girl, hearing me invited in, pulled the door open further. I zombied in and sat at the small table where we had all visited when I was over. I was in shock. It was so cold coming from her Mom like that. Just, "BAM", right between the eyes. I couldn't think what to say or do so I just sat there.

Two or three photos in cheap frames were out on the table. They were of my friend, smiling more happily and much younger than I had ever known her. The rest of the few minutes I stayed are blurred. No one wanted to talk about it or her with me. I left quickly and in tears.

The questions! Could I have made a difference? Had I tried hard enough to get her into treatment? I didn't get to say good bye, the most used phrase at any funeral, is still a sad and hurtful truth for those left behind. I pulled over down the road a piece and cried.

I went home and kissed my beloved mate and told him he was my beloved mate. I called my sisters and parents and said I loved them. Then I called my kids and told them the same thing. I love you, I am glad you are on the planet with me for my time here. I am proud of you. I wrote a poem I called "Wait a Minute". I dreamed about her. I morned her. I missed Martha in sad and strange ways, much like we met. I don't know the answers to the questions, even now, I just try to do better.

I was careful of my friends for awhile, then I forgot. Took people in my life for granted again. My father died a few years ago. He was in a car accident but it took the docs 8 weeks to kill him. I called my friends and told them I wanted to spend more time with them, I told my kids I loved them.. I told the mate what a unique and special male adult human he was and that I loved him forever. Then I forgot again.

In June last year I had a heart attack at age 49. It came on with no warning, it built over a period of 12 hours then nailed me to the floor on my way to the first hospital. A quick ambulance ride, fairly non-invasive surgury and a stint to fix a bent and clogged artery fixed me right up.

I had so many people in ICU to see me that the nurses thought shouldn't be there ( not strictly family, ya know,) and they wanted them to leave so I could rest. I told the nurse that I had all the same germs they did already and if I was going to die then I was saying good bye to every single one of them. If they cared enough to make it to the hospital, ( a nasty drive for most of them) just keep sending them in! None of this, "I didn't get to say good bye" crap at my funeral!

I was home in a few days and feeling a little better in a few weeks and back to work. I forgot again. The post that set me off reminded me, again. What forgetters humans are! Can't remember from one winter to the next how to drive in snow or on ice. Can't remember to say please and thank you to each other. Can't remember we could be dead tomorrow! That's probably just as well, but let's try to remember to act, not just talk. Spend some time with the people you love this week!

For my fun_eral (not a typo) I was going to have shirts to hand out that said, " Val died and all she left me was this Tshirt". I think I will put "Love the ones you're with!" on the back! I think it will go well with the sign on the herse that says "Just Buried" and the balloons and John Prine singing "Please don't bury me!".

So laugh a little, love a lot and count your blessings and blessed friends. I'm going home and hug on the mate, I might even call my kids, again, just to say I love them and I am proud of them. It makes me think that with the grief and sadness of every loss a little more love is sent out into the world by those left behind that were reminded. I'll forget, again. But I remember a little more often to let my people know I love them.