you're afraid it's all been wasted time

A friend got angry with me today. I got angry today at someone else. Two days ago I was worried about another friend. There was nothing wrong. It was how I saw it that upset me.

I keep coming back to how my thoughts shape my days. Lately it seems my thoughts have been incorrect. So my days are off, too. Stop thinking?

Two days of sitting awake and concerned for one who did NOT have a problem. Trying to do a favor for a friend that only made them angry at me in the long run. Running home to get out of the heat and finding the dryer AND the air running tripped my triggers. I was tired from the heat and it all broke loose.

I stated my opinion of one who runs the dryer when it's 93 degrees outside and then leaves the air on, went to my room, slammed the door and went to bed.

Where all this confused and convoluted information is reaching to is to how I (we) think ourselves into situations. How our thoughts shape our emotions. How the only thing wrong with a day may be how we see it.

I thought someone I knew was in big trouble. I had a tangible reason to think so. BUT - the tangible didn't go with that person. And the same item belonging to another person had a totally different interpretation. No worries...or, not many.

But to try and figure out a way to approach what I saw was the problem with the first person, I was up all night pondering.

Point? I could have gone to bed, nothing would have changed but I would have been fresh the next day to consider things more clearly. But I couldn't sleep because I cared so much I had to figure out something to try to help them before my mind would let me rest.

The friend who was angry at me sees things a different way than I do. I understand why he feels he has a reason to be upset. I see he is upset. It made me cry that he was upset with me. There is no point in discussing it. He's going to see it his way and anything I say to explain another way to see it will be rejected. So I cried. I'm over the hurt and I'm not angry at him. I'm just sorry I can't show him he didn't need to be angry. But that's done and I won't lose any sleep over it.

The one I got angry at, Easy, can't help what he did. He just doesn't think like other people. He's going to be going back to Arkansas next week. It's hot there. It's where he's from. So what if the air is on and dryer running? For him, it's normal. For me, too much heat hits me like a rock. He didn't think about that. It's how he is. I should have skipped losing my temper and just taken a cold shower.

Shoulda coulda and the other words that go in there, are all for looking behind you. How do we learn to get a grip on our minds and see what IS instead of racing through a line of assumtions, concepts and guesses to crash into faulty conclusions?

It's getting to where the less I know, the happier I am because I don't know anything to upset me or hurt me.

Just for a minute today I had a "how come I bust my butt trying to encourage and help others and all I get is an over heated house on the hottest day of the year and everyone mad at me" pitty party. And it did only last a minute.

Because when I asked myself that I knew - Every one of those situations I got into because I cared about someone. As long as I can't change that I care about others I'm going to sit up nights thinking of ways to help and deal with others who don't always relate well to the world....

If showing I care is what I have to give up to have a good day, then I guess I'm doomed.

Yup, some of the thoughts were wrong - but they could have been right. I was ready with some solid ideas to help. In the course of my research I learned something that another needed to know and passed it on.

Easy probably has hurt feelings I will have to apologize to tomorrow, but I will. And he will understand I was too hot before I got home - it was 93 out today. But he had a place to stay until he made it though his court case on his back wages because I cared. I think he will forgive me.

I don't know how to shape my thoughts to be always right, or always positive and I don't always know when they should be shared or if I should be quiet. I can't always keep my temper or be calm and peace filled, no matter how many mantras I say.

But I always care. I can live with that.