Another day older and deeper in debt

Ok, I am another day older but not yet deeper in debt. The funds from selling the mate's bike seem to be evaporating away but when I was doing the numbers I forgot to refresh for income so I am doing ok, so far, on getting what the house needs. I think I will grab the gas cans and run to get mower gas today and then go get my guttering. I have decided to be a brave woman and let the men and boys install it. The nephew that got the freezer will be one of them and we will just have to see who else shows up besides me.

I need some round paving stone, too, to finish the mate's side garden off. I need to spray the weeds that didn't die again. And I am out of mulch again, darn it! So I need a load of that, too. I still have four fence corners to do.

It's time to get some nic's for the family here. We already have BigE and he would also be Grand1 as the first grand we had. That makes his brother, that got poison ivy last week, Grand2. Now the grands are easy to add. Grand1's friend is Rover because it's shorter to write than Wandering Boy. The Mate's Eldest is going to be First Girl, my eldest will stay Eldest Daughter and mate's youngest is Scooter Girl. #1Son stays the same and we will add #1DIL, his wife and Grandgirl will be my local grand. Then Far Girl, her husband Far Boy and Grandest Girl will be my daughter and husband that live in a New England state and my first granddaughter.

Nephew and neice sorting - by sister's age ranking and, now that I think of it, the sisters are Cee, Vee and Arr so the kids are Vgirl and her husband Vhe, Cboy1 and his wife Cher, Cboy2 and his wife Cshe, Cgirl and her husband Chim, then Rgirl1, Rgirl2, Rgirl3. That winds up my side of the pile.

Now the mate's pile starts with Bro1 and Bro2 with his wife Bher, then Sis1 with her husband BIL1, then sis2. That makes the nephew staying here B1son (lol, ok, Bison - fits!), the neice that was wounded in Iraq would be B2jewel, then the boy that is just leaving for the Army this week would be B2soldier. Then there are Bherboy and Bhergirl, step neice and nephews. I need to stick in a couple for the cousins we hang with from this side and their kids because they are around a lot, too. So, hmmmm, let's see.....they really have nicks so Rustrider and Rebel are the mate's cousins. Rustboy, Rebboy, and Rebgirl would be the kids.

These are all pronounced with the first letter then the word , see boy one, are girl two, see him, etc. I know these nic's are not all descriptive, which I prefer, but they let me tell the players apart more easily. It was just a year ago that B2jewel was injured by a bomb in Iraq and the mate went to meet her at the airport when she finally flew home. Now all I need to do is remember who is whom!

When I got home from a very busy day at work I had Rover to take to his next stop and BigE was ready to go home. He was getting cranky from too much work and not enough fun. I have to work on the fun part. I have tried. We found the basket ball and the football. B1son had cleaned the driveway beautifully and I parked so they could use the basket we have up on the garage. They seemed to enjoy that but the ball goes flat. I have to get them a new one. I took them swimming at Cee's pool and B1son took them to the lake the other night. I think I better get that liscense and we can do some fishing soon. Too much work and no play makes me cranky, too.

I haven't been going out on weekends. Even though I still feel the call of the music it seems like since I sold the bike I have to justify to myself every penny I spend. I have to make it stretch to cover the repairs and face lift I want for the house. Once I am back on a regular budget I expect I will start going out again. But I am paying the "hired help", not much for what they are doing but a lot for the budget, and feeding them well which is not cheap, either.

If we get through the furnace, the water heater, (which I bought Thursday but won't pick up until next week) reflooring the basement so it slopes to the sump pumps, the guttering and the yard being moved, smoothed and reseeded I am hoping to have enough left for other things. I need to pay help to clean out the garages, the dog shed and finish the yard. I would like a different bed with a softer mattress, to remove the carpet and replace the curtains in my bedroom, get new carpet for the living room and put a coat of paint on the whole inside of the house. The kitchen needs a total tear down and rebuild, especially and the wallpaper in the dining and living room needs to be replaced. We did all that when we moved in but it has been ten years and it's just time to do it over again. That is the goal.

If I should manage to do all this before winter and have a little money left I would like to take a trip to visit some friends on the West Coast and down in KY/TN and take a hard look around. I like TN and Rebel and Rusty have a place in KY. I might relocate someday. I feel like I have to stay here for the animals. That may not make much sense to some of you. The boxer was "born and raised" here, same yard, same routines, same rules and is beginning his eleventh year. Twelve is very old for a boxer. The eldest cat, Timone, is a year older than him and King of Cats here in our small world. It seems cruel to think about relocating them. That gives me a reason to let the decision to stay or go be made by circumstances and put off worrying about it until later. I am going to try to stick to that for now. Who knows what might happen yet? Not me!

During Bible study Tuesday evening I looked out my window to see the top of my blue spruce was gold! I freaked because when I worked in the pine trees a dead tree was said to be a "golden tree". I ran out the front door to check, thinking I might not have noticed it was dying off but when I looked out there, it was fine. Back at the table and out the window it was golden again. Sunset light was coloring the tree top. By changing where I stood when I looked at it I saw it differently.

Perspective, a fresh slant, a different angle; They let us see things more fully. Many times I feel that I have looked at the world the same way for many years now because we stayed in the same place. Lately I feel like I am not moving forward because I refuse to move from this spot. Don't wanna, and you can't make me look at my life and a possible future from a different perspective. I was looking from a team view point and now there is only me. It is slowly changing the way I see things but the difference is uncomfortable. I don't want to be "just me", I am supposed to be a member of a couple trying to get through life together. Aren't I?

Looking at the world alone had me doing many things I haven't felt were nessecsary before. I park close to the house even when I don't have groceries to unload. I keep my loaded pistol on the bed rail in a clip holster so I can reach it and have a hunting knife on the floor just under the bed on both sides. I am moving the fire extinquishers, one to the bedroom where I am likely to be in a pinch and one to the bathroom where the door to the basement is and where the furnace will be. There is a baseball bat by the front door. A cleaver hangs by the kitchen door that leads to the back door and there is a cane hung near the far back door. I scan the block as I drive home in the dark for parties in progress and stray pedestrians.

I don't feel afraid of the world. I am not worried about rapist. Thieves, maybe but not that. But even thieves don't worry me much. Still, I keep putting more safe guards in place. I say it's for the next family the moves in here but I know it has to be me. If I am not worried and not afraid then why the new solar lights for the front walk area? Why more bullets for the pistol? Practical common sense. The more safe guards you have in place, the safer you feel and the better you sleep. Without the big, strong, mean, sharpshooter mate here to make me feel safe I have to do it for myself. I feel pretty safe here and I like it like that. Changing these things so I can reach them easier and get them down myself is part of my change in perspective on the world.

There are more changes all the time but they are not bothering me quite so much now. Having the boys around has entailed change, getting the house emptied and the yard done creates more change and now I am beginning to get used to the constant state of flux I think that I would get bored if it went back to the same old routine. It also serves to keep me busy and distracted so I am not just sitting here grieving every night.

We hate changes. We liked our rut. But now that the rut is filled in we have to dig a new one. I don't think it will be quite as deep and well padded as the last one. I think it will have more going out and visiting time in it and that in itself creates change which levels the rut again. I am getting more flexible again, as I was before the mate got me tucked into our own rut with him. I think it will be a good change. I know it is still stressing me, though and I am trying to slow it down a little. If I take it in smaller steps I am not as likely to stumble and fall.