Before I die...

Yesterday's post got me started counting my blessings. Now, I do this daily, at least once. Everytime the mate does something nice for me or the birds are expecially entertaining, or it rains and the roof doesn't leak or when I look out the window at our lovely yard....or just when I am on my way to work in or on a vehicle that a) Runs b) is insured and c) is paid for I try to remember to appreciate it and be thankful. I can even be ok with the expense of buying a new appliance because one quits running. At least the whole house didn't burn down!

I keep finding blogs out there with younger people in the growing stages of life who have, what they think are, so many problems in their lives that they are discouraged, depressed, and despondent. I want to help them get through it with a little less pain. I just can't. I am not the fairy godbikerlady. No wand, no magic spells. Just lots and too much experience. It just hurts my heart to see them feel so blue, lonely, sad and neglected. So today you get the list of "Things I want to tell you before I die."
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One day, after I finally had the OK Corral with the first husband, I was sitting at the dining room table and realized that I was looking at things in my cabinet that were making me think sad thoughts. The music box that was a gift from "a friend" that slept with my husband, stuff like that. I had stopped seeing the people that made me sad, why was I keeping this stuff?

I stared at the problem items awhile, thinking how much they cost, what good shape they were in, how much I used to enjoy them and how crappy I felt about them now. I decided I had enough pain and sadness in my heart that I didn't need it in my home anymore.

I got up, (huge effort because I was really and clinically depressed) took out everything that was making me sad and put it in a box I got from the kitchen. I felt better, just a tiny bit better. It was such an improvement over "I wish I was dead" that I kept moving.

I started on the walls, the closets; I went through the whole place. I cried for the loss of friends and the loss of the family we could have been the whole time I was boxing. I ended up in the bedroom and even tossed the pillow that was the husband's because I wanted the bed to be just MY bed now. I hauled it all (4 boxes, large ones) out to the curb and left it. Then I got out the vacuume and the rags and started cleaning as I put back all the happy thought items I had kept. It was my home, arranged to suit me and the kids. I felt better than I had in months!

If it makes you sad or miserable, get rid of it - people included. If something or someone makes you smile or feel happy appreciate it and say thank you.
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There is a mom I know who always runs out to stop her kids when they are doing something she thinks will hurt them. They never get to climb a tree, walk a wall, ride double on a bike and forget a ramp for the skateboards! I always wonder how they will ever succeed at anything when they not only don't get a chance to try, but don't learn the consequences of failing or know basic first aide.

When you look out the window and see your three year old on the top bar of the swing set - close the curtains! She got up there ok, it's only 5 feet high, she will get down ok - or not.

Let people challenge and learn their own limits. (sub note: keep a well stocked first aide kit!)
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I used to keep all my burned out light bulbs and when I was really ready to rage I would grab a bag, go out back to the big, tin trash can and commence smashing. You got the satisfaction of destruction, the noise of breakables, the release of the frustration at not being able to strangle someone and you didn't have to clean up the mess or call the paramedics.

It's ok to be angry at home but don't take it out on your family.
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When you need help ASK for it from someone. Tell your friends you have a need. People are not mind readers. By telling a friend you are begining the grapevine locating process. They mention it to their Mom, she says it to her prayer group, one of them says, I have one in my garage I just want out of there! or I could babysit and BINGO -- you got it!

"You don't ask, you don't get, no harm in trying." (items in italics are things I always say, some are original and some are borrowed. I learned this one from a guy who propsitioned me after I turned him down.)
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There is a girl of 26 who is haunted by kids that are the ages her's would be - if she had not had abortions in her late teens. She is sad and grieving all the time and on drugs for her depression. She has a job, an apartment and pays her own way now but feels she is a terrible person. (And we all know the answer is usually USE birth control of some kind, assume she can't, don't just call her stupid)

Then there is the woman who is trying to make her own way in the world but she has her 4 children taken away from her because she can't provide for them "properly" with her minimum wage job and can't supervise them when she is at work. She can't afford a sitter and still pay the rent. Which one made the wrong decision? The one with live kids she can't take care of up to socially required standards or the one who hates herself now?

There is no RIGHT answer, there is only what you decided was right for you. It's done now, deal with it and move on. Forgive yourself! "YOU are NOT everyone else."

Don't beat yourself for perceived "wrong decisions" in your past. The world will beat your butt for them plenty if they were truely wrong, forgive yourself. "Is this going to matter in a hundred years?"
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Every night at bed time I would read my kids a story and then TELL THEM ONE GOOD THING they had done that day and say how nice it was they had done that. I was always so tired from working and not getting any sleep days that I was too quick to shout at them or correct them. By finding ONE THING, no matter how small, to tell them they did well I sent them to sleep knowing they did a good thing and I felt better, I hoped it would magically erase the rough times from the day.

You always remember to correct poor behavior, now train yourself to comment on good actions. Say, thank you for your help, for cleaning your room, for doing the dishes, for taking out the trash, for mowing the lawn, watching your brother, setting the table, feeding the dog. It doesn't matter that they are the regular chores, you are at least glad you didn't have to do them! So tell the ones who did them that they are appreciated.

SAY IT LOUD AND OFTEN! Anything positive, I love you. I'm proud of you. Great job, well done, nice shirt, beautiful eyes, I love the way you (did somthing). You have (will) grown to be wonderful, responsible, reliable, intelligent, daring, caring and loving humans and you make me laugh.
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Don't ever let the fact that everyone else is doing it be the reason you do anything. Right now, for some teens, "everyone else" is into seeing how long and how high they can feel by not breathing. One mom is burying her son today because he didn't breathe for too long. "You are NOT everyone else! Use Your Brain!"

Don't expect them to love you all the time. Set the rules then stick to them. They will HATE you. Be willing to be the bad guy. They will understand when they are older even if they never have kids. "I am not EVERYONE ELSE'S (mom, dad, girlfriend, etc.)! You are not going to "fill in the blank""

Compromise - with the partner, the teens, the two year old. Don't fight, work it out. We can watch wrestling later if I can watch a movie now. You can cut your hair anyway you want it after you have a job for 30 days. Give A the toy back and I will get you the "better toy here."
Do it NOW! If it's something only you can do get it done and out of the way. Later isn't even a possibility in reality, it's only what you THINK will happen.

Do the chores first and play all the rest of the day guilt free.

Don't be afraid to try new things, have new experiences. "Go for it!" "There's only two ways to find out - try it and see or ask someone who knows. "I don't know anyone who knows."

When you have an issue with someone TELL them. "Don't tell me after the party."

Tell them NOW, not six weeks later when they not only can't fix it but you are six weeks angrier about it. "You can't fix it if you don't know it's broke." and "I won't know it's broke if you don't tell me."

Pay the bills, buy the groceries and THEN party. "Is this going to be fun later?"

If your partner hits you - at any time for any reason - get out, don't go back.
I don't care if you are naked and broke, get out. At least the cops will put you in jail for indecent exposure and you will have 3 hots and a cot! You wouldn't treat your dog like that so why would you think it's ok for you to be physically hurt for any reason? "Is this worth dying for?" ("this" being a bad relationship or unhappy family life here)

Be honest with yourself about how you feel. Lie to your mom, the government, the cops, the preacher - Don't lie to yourself.

Be honest with others and expect honesty from your friends. Most of the trouble I mangaged to get in and out of was caused by telling a lie to someone or being lied to by others.

Don't blame your life on your parents or lack of. If you are over 21 then your life is what you make it. You make the decisions that keep you where you are or move you ahead.

Be responsible for your errors. If you screwed up, say so, apologize, do better next time.

Do not use deroggatory terms for "pet names". Over the long term you start forgetting the affection and hearing "butthead". Feelings get hurt, things will start to fall apart and you won't even know why. Bad words are for bad people.

If you have a scary or negative thought about your relationship, tell the partner! Discuss what made you think it and how you can avoid feeling like that. It's when you brood on it and let it fester that thoughts grow into actions.

There is nothing wrong with saying you have to get out of Dodge. Everyone needs a break from everything sometimes. Give each other a long weekend away once in awhile. Just don't let the stress build till you run screaming out the back door, get smashing drunk and crash the car.

When you do have a situation that is getting out of control, decide what you can do to fix it or make it better. Find someone to help you. Don't just ignore it. "Some problems are like a foot with gangrene, if you ignore it then it will go away." (but it takes the foot and the leg - and can take more - with it.)

You need to know your limits. You can't fix anything for anyone else if you are in no position to help. You have to keep your health up, stress level down and be solvent before you can help someone else out. So take time for yourself when you need it.

It's not always winter and life won't always be miserable. "Spring always comes."

When it gets rough, you're on the way to a wedding and have to change at tire in your bride's maid dress just smile and remember, "This will be a great story - later."

Seize the day, enjoy the facts that you are alive and healthy enough to enjoy it. Do something fun with the ones you love today.
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I wouldn't change much about my life, really, because I like who I am now. If I could change the way I handled ONE THING in my life it would be report cards. Reports cards are only important to schools. Yes, your kid needs good grades to go to college. Face it, maybe they are not interested in college. If they get bad grades and want to go on with their education later they can go to adult ed or night classes to get better grades or retake a course.

If your child can read aloud to you comfortably, NONE of the rest of it matters. If a child can read they can learn anything. Let them do it later when they learn it applies to their life. It is more important that your child feels loved and competent JUST THE WAY THEY ARE while they are young. NO STRINGS.

The stess between the "A" sibling and the "C" sibling is awful. "A" feels guilty for causing "C" to look bad and be in such trouble and "C" resents "A" and feels like he is no good. They can't tell you why to the unanswerable questions, "Why can't you do better? Why don't you turn in your work? Why don't you do your homework?" so don't ask. It all just destroys the confidence in kids who are not "academically inclined". Throw in a couple "Why can't you be like "A"'s and add "Your Grounded" and you have a kid who can't answer your questions, feels like crap and thinks you don't love them as much as you do the smarter ones.

It sucks and it is NOT THAT IMPORTANT. They are young, they don't know what they will need to know later. If you teach them to read, foster a sense of curiosity and let them feel safe and loved at home they will have the confidence they need to get through life. They will know they are OK! If they want to learn later they will do it easier and better than when they are kids.

If I was doing it over again I would be sure to correct them if there were behavior problems but let them put a piece of paper over their grades before I signed off on the cards. I don't want to know what the SCHOOL thinks of my kids abilities. I KNOW my kids abilities and they are all just FINE, thank you. The whole alphabet of them.
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And there you are, the rant of the day is out of the way. Now I can go home to the mate and have a great evening. I think I will call the kids and tell them I love them.