Will you be my friend?

So you got the "let's just be friends" letter and now you just quit seeing the girl at all. Well, THAT is original!

For those males that totally don't get the friend letter - please consider the fact that it is, in fact, true words - read, comprehend.

I am not ready for a committed relationship.

I needed to learn more about myself before I add anyone else to the mix.

There were some painful problems the last time I did this and I don't want to repeat them.

I don't know you well enough to explain what I just went through.

I can't deal with the pressure and responsibility of another persons feelings right now.

I really like you, you are a great guy. Can we just be friends for now?


Unless it says "I don't think there is any long term future for us." or "I don't want to ever see you again." or "GET LOST!" the door is still open a crack. She means it, she would like to be friends with you.

I have a friend, a real person, who can't manage a friendship with a woman - ever. The minute this guy goes on a date and the girl doesn't pull a knife on him, he's in love.

He sends flowers, he buys them a helmet so they can ride on the back of his bike with him, he shows up right after work every day to see if she wants to do something or needs a hand with chores. He stops on his way to work to see if she thought of anything overnight that she needs or wants to plan. If you look up glom in the dictionary, yes, it's his photo.

He is mentally incapable of being friends with a single woman. He and I are great friends because I am already taken. And he's a great guy! But he gloms to the point of scaring a woman in under 30 days.

If his current girl goes to a family reunion with out inviting him after only going out for two weeks, he thinks she hates him. If she says she's going with some friends to a baby shower and doesn't ask him he is devastated. The hurt is HUGE to him. And no, I don't grok why he is like this. It's just the facts.

He gets the friend routine about 10 days into every relationship. The women can't deal with "Instant commitment" and ask him to be their friend. He dives into a black depression and won't come out of it for weeks. If he COULD just be a friend long enough to build more than a passing accquaintence with even ONE of these women he might be married happily now. He can't.

Then there's the other guy, girls crawling all OVER him and he never does a thing except look cool hanging out with them. There is a constant turnover of females dating him. Never just one special one.

He doesn't make conversation, he says things like, "I'm hungry." or "I want a beer.", no invitation implied. He doesn't call, no flowers, not even a candy bar and the girls all chase him down. He never calls, never asks a girl out. Either she calls him or he "won't care" enough to call her.

He never risks rejection. He never invests any of himself in any one woman. I call him an "everready". You don't have something to do and it's Friday night? Call him. But don't plan on anything meaningful, he just doesn't have it in him to risk any pain. He's a good friend to me and the mate because we don't threaten his safe isolation. He's not mate material.

These are the two extremes. There are some real lulu's in the mid ranges

If you guys would just understand that the last mate we had -

chased us out of the house naked one night with a butcher knife and we had to drive to the cops that way
took our car to go out drinking and wreaked it,
dated our best friend behind our back,
cheated on us with another man,
dressed in our nighty set and nylons with a wig we had never seen in the 9 months we were together, waited up for us to get out of work and asked us to tie him up and whip him,
took all the money out of our purse and went on a binge leaving us with nothing for the rent and groceries,
told us he was out with his brother but was really up at the strip joint and you find out because your mom saw his car there.
bought us a ring, proposed on his knees and then left town a week later without saying goodbye
lived in sweet harmony with us for 3 months then went on a rant about all the things he hated about us, slammed out and sent a moving company for his stuff.
knew we were in a band when he met us and became blindingly jealous of the guys in the band,
saw us drink out of the milk jug and threw our clothes in the street ranting about germs,
lived, worked and traveled with us for 9 months then says he's mormon and will only marry a virgin.

I mean, really, guys! This stuff takes time to get over and work out. To put the fear of yet another failure behind you far enough to try again with yet another man takes finding your faith that there is one man that will like you as you are before coffee and makeup in the morning.; contribute energy to chores and money to the household; never hit you; never run you down to others; enjoy the same sports, food, movies and music or at least tolerate them; have similar beliefs on religion, child rearing, politics, war, finances and ghosts; love you. And then he has to be able to make you feel like a queen in and out of bed.

But a friend? A guy I can ask to the dance and know we will get along with no dramatics. Someone who might remember my birthday, drop me an email about a joke he heard to make me smile or join me at dinner once in a while so I don't have to eat alone is really hard to find. A person who not only notices what I enjoy but remembers it and provides it now and then. Some one I can say, ' Sure, come on in" even if I'm in my sweats and curlers.....

And after some time as friends you find trust begins to build. You know where you stand with each other. You learn the limits and horizons of your friendship. You appreciate each others willingness to like yourselves inspite of your every and most black moods.

Some day a touch will say a thousand paragraphs between you without a word. You just look at each other and smile. Then affection grows. You have both been there for each other, every time. You can rely on each other. Then you can't imagine a time without them in your life.

A friend is someone you;
care about, someone that cares about you.
want to make happy, and likewise can make you happy too.
enjoy sharing with and likewise shares with you.
enjoy the company of and likewise likes spending time with you
can ask for help and doesn't expect a return.
are willing to trust and who trusts you
can forgive even though they let you down because they'd do the same for you.

What EVER made you think you could love someone for the long haul without being friends first?

Try it. I married my best friend.